You want me to do what????????????

"Take everything off down to your pants and put this on, then go to door number 3".  I nod, take the not so gently used johnny shirt, go into a change room with a curtain for a door and strip to my belt.  I hear a voice "did you put deodorant on today?" I'm thinking of course I did you idiot! Its 2 in the afternoon, I am in a uniform, what a dumb question. I meekly yell out "yes, sorry I forgot about that part".  The voice directs me to the adjacent bathroom to sterilize my pits.  Quickly, I cover myself with the johnny shirt and jump over to the bathroom.  Nerves are getting the best of me.  My mouth is dry. I'm sweating profusely.  It's COLD and I've got some nipples going on......the voice interrupts urging me to "hurry along".  I comply.

I walk into room number 3.  This isn't my first time, but it's still no fun. Whew! The technician looks nice.  She has a pretty smile, friendly eyes, nice shoes...how bad can it be.  I cheerfully say "hi, I'm so glad to be here hahahaha".  She gives me the look.  And says, "take the robe off, I have to put these stickers on your nipples"  I gasp.  She grabs, gently of course, and leads me by the boob to the boob buster thingie. (that allegedly cost millions of dollars....surely something that damn barbaric was bought on a discount!!!) She mashes the boob around to get it just right.  She smiles as she lowers the squisher, and says "you're lucky they are little, it goes faster that way"..So, I guess for the first damn time in my life I am to be thankful that I am flat chested????  She then positions my feet.  I swear to god I am going to fall backward and be removed from my boob because the damn thing is in a vice.  She walks away.  I am left alone.  I hear a voice from the other room; "don't breathe".  WHAT????  I have been allowed to breathe up to this point.  I haven't taken a breath in 3 minutes!!!!!  Jeeze.....I didn't breathe. The vice got tighter.  I had to look.  OMG!!! OMFingG my boob is as big as a box of kleenex, but flatter.....it's going to burst.  "ok, breathe". FAWK......I smile, and ask if that is all.  She repeats it all 3 more times - the other boob, and two pits - that goodness I cleaned them!
When it was all over, I waited around for a little hug or a cuddle, but nothing.  How sad.  I was man-handled and I didn't even get a kiss or a phone number.
But that's ok....I got my mammy done again!!!  Clear for another year!!!  Don't procrastinate ladies - it can save your life!!!!